Sunday Surf: Birthing & Gentle Discipline

Jaymz and I signed the papers (and put money down) for our new house this week. It was very exciting! BUT the official closing date has been moved back until early next week, so we don't get the keys until then, which is kind of a bummer.

Late this week I met the appliance delivery people at the new house to observe them putting the new appliances (refrigerator, washer, and dryer) into the house. It felt a little weird to be standing around in the empty house watching them work, but it was really fun to see our shiny new things getting settled into their new places.

This is the first time Jaymz and I have owned any large appliances (besides our chest freezer, which is also a relatively recent addition). We picked them out on a (rainy) Saturday during Daniel's nap, without any advanced planning or research whatsoever. I have to say, it was quite a strange feeling to be in a room full of warm, empty refrigerators: debating their ins, outs, and what-have-yous.

On that note, here are a few of the great things I've read lately:

What is all this talk about princesses?

I feel pretty strongly that I want my child(ren) to grow up in an environment which is wholly accepting of however they choose to identify and express their gender identity, including what clothes they wear, what toys they choose to play with, and what kinds of characters they look up to in the stories we read. I'm excited to host today's guest post from Shannon of Pineapples & Artichokes, taking a deeper look into what the princess figure has become in the modern day fairy tale. Please read to the bottom to learn more about today's guest blogger.

A long time ago, when I still saw every animated Disney movie that came out (I was 18, 19?) my boyfriend took me to see the Lion King at the theater our friend worked at. Another friend of his was there, someone who would probably be diagnosed on the Autism spectrum now, but back then was just one of the creepy, older, social awkward guys in our gaming group. We got to talking and I mentioned how cool it was that this was finally an original script for an animated Disney movie; although the themes have been done many times in many ways, this was their original intellectual property.

"What do you mean?" he asked, "Most of their movies were written by Disney. Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty..."

I, not very gently, explained that no, those were folk tales that have been written and rewritten for centuries. That the Little Mermaid was written by Hans Christian Anderson, and until Disney's version, it was very much his story. That Cinderella can be directly traced to a Japanese folk tale. He didn't believe me, so I started to tell him the Grimm version of Cinderella. When I got to the part about the birds pecking out the step sisters eyes, he blanched and ran off.

I've been thinking a lot about Princesses lately. No one has tried to ask Moira which is her favorite princess yet, but it's started happening to her friends.

On Labels and Boxes and Trusting Your Gut

I've read a lot of blog posts lately about avoiding labels and not wanting to be labeled. These posts are mostly coming from the perspective of not identifying with being labeled as THIS or THAT kind of parent or subscribing to THIS or THAT parenting philosophy. For some reason or another, these posts really get me fired-up, so here's my perspective:

I don't have a problem with labeling myself. I don't feel limited by the labels that I put on myself. I also think that avoiding labels is almost impossible in our current state of evolution as a human species. Here's why:

Our brains are limited. To a certain extent, we have to put people into "boxes" (label them) in our brains so that we can make sense of the world. I am totally fine with other people putting (some) labels on me, and I'm comfortable with putting some labels on myself. I am fine with that because I think it helps us to understand each other better. While we can't ever really know what another person is thinking or feeling, we can try. I feel like labels are a part of that process.

For example, I am comfortable with the labels "woman" and "female." This may seem like a very obvious thing to say, but that is because gender identity is often assumed and taken for granted by (cisgendered) people. The fact is, someone labeled me "girl" when I was born with the parts I have, and I have always been comfortable with that label. I did not choose it, but I identify with it. I feel it describes me accurately. I welcome others to choose how they would or would not like to be labeled in the context of gender.

What does gender identity have to do with types of parenting?

I used the subject of gender because I wanted to give a very obvious and easily-relatable example of how labels are a pervasive part of our culture (and, I might even argue, humanity as a whole). If you want to reject all labels, I'm cool with that, and I will absolutely try my hardest to respect your choice with the way I use language. I can't, however, turn off that part of my brain that naturally needs to categorize things to help them make sense.

I get it: you don't want to label yourself because you don't want to be put in a box/the box doesn't fit/you don't want others to expect things of you that you're not going to deliver on. At the same time, I'm not less highly-evolved than you because I do feel comfortable with labeling myself. Rejecting labels or accepting labels does not make one of us superior to the other. It just means we're different. (Though, if you think about it, even the act of rejecting labels is an form of labeling in and of itself.)

What disturbs me the most about the whole discussion about labeling is this recurring theme of mothers saying "I don't want to identify as X type of parent, because the other X parents will judge me for not being X enough." First, since when is it OK to tell another parent how to parent their kids? I realize that the dolling-out of unsolicited advice is a condition that lots of people suffer from, but I don't think we should just accept that without a fight.

Second, why are people judging each other in the first place for differences in parenting styles? And since when is there only one right way to parent? We're all unique and precious individuals, with equally unique and precious children who came into our lives. Every parent is different and every child is different. Even individual children in the same family unit need to be parented differently.

Third, and maybe most importantly, when did we hand our power over to other people? When did we all lose our spines?

(Jack likes his box just fine.)

As humans, we are limited in our ability to understand each other, and labels help us to comprehend where someone is coming from. Are they inadequate? Absolutely. Do they have to be limiting? I don't think so.

I'm comfortable with saying, "My parenting style happens to agree with the principles of Attachment Parenting." I'm happy to say, "I had an unmedicated home birth and it was awesome." I feel proud to say, "We've been cloth diapering since Daniel was six days old." But those things don't mean that if at some point we want to use a disposable diaper (which we do, of course, sometimes) that I have to feel bad and feel that I've outright failed as a "natural," "attachment," or whatever type of parent. And furthermore, it certainly does not mean that I think you should choose to be exactly the same kind of parent I'm choosing to be, or that I think I am better than you are because I chose (the correct choice) X instead of (inferior) Y.

I feel totally confident saying I agree with AP, and still not want to (and more importantly, do not) sleep in the same bed with my child all the time. I can say I'm a natural parent and eat processed foods, watch television, and someday send my kid out of the home for his schooling needs. I can call myself an "attachment parent" and give my kid a pacifier, use a stroller, and selectively vaccinate. Does that make me less of a good parent than someone who doesn't do those things? Nope. Does it make me less "natural" or less "AP"? I believe that it does not. 

Let's start trusting ourselves and our instincts about what we should do as parents instead of judging ourselves for not fitting perfectly into a box or judging others for choosing a different kind of box. Let's just parent our kids the best we know how, instead of spending so much time competing with each other. And seriously, let's get rid of all the guilt! We're all doing our best, and parenting is plenty hard enough without having to feel guilty on top of everything else.

That's how I live my life. Though I may care about you, fellow parent/mother/woman/human being, I don't care what decisions you make; I'm not going to put you down for making them. If you ask my opinion about some parenting issue, I will give it to you and then you are (obviously) free to make whatever decision you want. And if I'm talking excitedly about how much I loved giving birth at home or how I think breastfeeding is wonderful (when you have chosen differently), please please know that I'm not passive-aggressively trying to tell you that I think you made the wrong decision. I promise, I'm not! We can still be friends (and our kids can still be friends) if you choose not to do what I would do.

I don't feel limited or "boxed-in" by the labels I identify with. I hope you, also, will not feel limited by my labels.

Androgyny in Children

My son has long eyelashes...
and he wears all the colors.

I've been thinking about this (and compiling notes) for months, but until now, I didn't know how to write what I wanted to say. Then I got all fired up after reading this article from The Frisky about how Dr. Phil advised a mother of a son who liked to play with "girl" toys to steer him away from his natural preferences and to buy him "boy" things instead. The author quotes Dr. Phil as having said,

"Direct your son in an unconfusing way. Don’t buy him Barbie dolls or girl’s clothes. You don’t want to do things that seem to support the confusion at this stage of the game... Take the girl things away, and buy him boy toys.... Support him in what he’s doing, but not in the girl things." 

Basically, Dr. Phil told this child's mother to stop accepting him for who he is and try to force him to conform to traditional gender roles. I sincerely hope that this child's mother does not listen to Dr. Phil's advice and decides to, instead, encourage her son to explore whatever interests him.

I take serious issue with medical professionals on television who don't provide accurate and balanced information. Dr. Phil, like Dr. Oz, has an obligation to his viewers to present information sans personal biases and phobias. I think it's wrong for medical professionals to imply that being gay is "not normal" or something for parents to "worry about" with respect to their children.

Furthermore, what's the big freaking deal, anyway?! So the kid likes to play with dolls. Personally, I hated Barbie dolls as a child—because they looked so fake—was that supposed to be cause for concern from my parents? I think Amber Strocel has it right: we parents should encourage our children regardless of their sex organs to develop and express all aspects of their personalities.

Children learn through play. If we tell them that boys play with trucks, kick balls, and run around getting dirty while girls play with dolls, dress up and sit quietly in the corner looking pretty, we're telling them that it's shameful to deviate from these imposed norms. We're telling them they are not free to be themselves. We're telling them that it's not OK to explore different things.

My husband's favorite diaper cover: the "Rose" color.

I find this cultural obsession with gender particularly disturbing when it comes to babies. Jaymz and I did not find out the sex of our baby before he was born, in part because we didn't want to end up with a bunch of gender-stereotypical clothing, toys, and baby gear for our child. I understand wanting to dress your little girl up in a cute dress or dress your little boy up to look like Dad, but do you have to do it every day? It's a different matter when the child is old enough to express preferences about their clothing choices—but until then—what's so wrong with them just looking like babies? Young children, and babies in particular, are inherently androgynous. They have no secondary sexual characteristics to distinguish them from each other. They have little to no hair. Their bodies are squishy and floppy and their voices are all pretty much the same pitch.

Sometimes people think Daniel is a girl...and I usually don't correct them. I don't really understand why it's important to parents that people know whether their kids are male or female. I've even heard mothers remark at how upset it makes them when someone mistakes their daughter as a son. What I don't understand is: Why?

When a random person comes up to me and says, "Your baby is so beautiful!" I say "Thank you!" When someone says, "Aww, she's so sweet" I say, "Yes, I know!" When they say, "How old is she?" I say, "Eight months." Sometimes I'll say "He's eight months," but I never walk away from the interaction feeling upset or offended that they didn't know my baby is a little boy.

It doesn't bother me one little bit, but it does bother lots of other parents I know, so here's a quick tip: if you're asking about someone's baby, don't use gender-specific language, no matter how sure you are that the child is a boy or a girl. (This is kind of like how you should never ask someone when she's due, unless she has told you that she's pregnant. That woman who looks about ready to give birth could have had her baby yesterday—or several months ago—and you might make her feel bad by asking.) Instead of using gendered pronouns, say something like, "What's your baby's name?" or even "How old is your child?" Chances are, the baby's caregiver will respond in a complete sentence: "She's six months old!" If your curiosity isn't satisfied with their first answer, consider at least using an inclusive question such as, "Do you have a son or a daughter?"

I only wish these purple pjs still fit him!

In a time when we know that some peoples' genders do not match their body's sex organs, I feel like I should err on the side of caution and not put too many labels on my kid before he's able to tell me more about who he is. Odds are, he'll turn out to be a heterosexual who identifies as male, but I'd rather not assume that's who he is. Also, I like how the more "gender-neutral" clothing looks on babies. I don't want my child to be dressed to the hilt every day in gender-stereotypical garb, announcing to the world, "I have boy parts!"

Plus, I find the messages that these clothes bear to be extremely presumptuous (not to mention sexist): Boy clothing clothing bearing sports equipment and various construction/emergency service vehicles proclaims "Daddy's Future Quarterback," and "Mommy's Little Hero." Girl clothes, with their ruffles and pervasive pinkness, shout, "Little Princess," "Pretty in Pink," and your little girl's pacifier wouldn't be complete without "Diva"stamped on the front.

Mothers For Womens' Lib wrote a while back about a gender-neutral childrens' clothing store, Polarn O. Pyret. Their slogan is: Not for girls. Not for boys. We make clothes for children. I love it. That's how all kids' clothing departments should be, in my opinion. Another good post on gender-neutral shopping for children is Non-sexist holiday shopping: Is it possible? by PhD in Parenting.

In all fairness, it's a very tricky thing, walking this line about gender with respect to our kids. Clothing is such a personal choice and at the same time we want to protect our kids from the ignorance and cruelty of others. Jessica at This is Worthwhile wrote about her internal struggle over her son's choice of shoe color, and I really appreciate her candor in sharing her story. I'm sure by now you've heard about Nerdy Apple Bottom's story about her son being looked down upon by the other preschool mothers for choosing to wear a Daphne from Scooby Doo costume for Halloween. (You can read the follow-up about what has happened to her within her church here.)

I think the bottom line with all of this is that we need to strive to be a whole lot more accepting of our children just exactly the way they are. This means disregarding the advice of yet another TV doctor who is perpetuating misinformation, and instead, aiming to provide our kids with an open, supportive, and welcoming environment to discover who they are.


For other reading on gender and gender-neutral parenting, check out Raising him purple: a defense of gender-neutrality in early childhood from Raising My Boychick, and Practicing Gender Neutral Parenting and Raising an Equally-Minded Male from The Feminist Breeder.