Dear Baby,

On Monday night, you decided you wanted to come early! However, thanks to modern medicine and wonderful tocolytic (contraction-stopping) drugs, you are still inside me and hopefully you're going to stay that way until at least 36 weeks when the midwives will attend your birth at home.

Here's what happened: when we went to bed I was having (what I thought were Braxton-Hicks) contractions, which isn't unusual for me lately. They were slightly painful but I wasn't alarmed, so I drank a lot of water to try to stop them and then went to sleep. I was waking up more often than usual, noticing that I was pretty uncomfortable, but I didn't pay much attention to it because I was tired! I got up to go to the bathroom a couple of times and noticed I was feeling a little nauseated and still having quite a few contractions, but each time I would just have some water and go back to bed.

Around 1:30 AM on Tuesday, I woke up suddenly knowing I was going to vomit, and ran (sort of) to the bathroom to be sick. It was then that I realized I was having strong, painful contractions and I started to get scared. I didn't want you to be born so early! I went into the bedroom and woke up your dad and told him what was going on, and he proceeded to make me lay down next to him because he wanted to go back to sleep. He quickly realized that was not happening, as I was having contractions every 4-5 minutes, and they were lasting about a minute each. It was hard to tell when they were ending because the pain wasn't going away in between. (I saw later on the monitor at the hospital that I was having "coupling" contractions--where the contraction has two peaks, or two come in a row right on top of each other.) It was at this point that we called our wonderful midwife Catherine, who assessed the situation over the phone and then advised us to go to the hospital to stop labor.

I experienced a couple of very interesting things during this time talking to Catherine and then our trip to the hospital:

First, I found that when I let myself be afraid and go into the "fight or flight" response, my pain was much worse. When Catherine gently told me, "You need to breathe through your contractions like you're in labor...because you're in labor," I was able to get out of my fearful place and just do what needed to be done to get through that moment.

Second, when we arrived at the hospital, my contractions slowed down significantly. The nurses kept saying, "oh, this always happens." I knew it to be true that a change to an unfamiliar environment can shut down labor (which is what we were going for, so yay!) but to experience it firsthand was really amazing.

Both of these experiences solidified my desire to give birth at home, where I will not be afraid and I will be surrounded by familiar and comforting things and people I know and trust.

The rest of the story (thankfully) isn't as exciting: your dad and I checked in to the labor & delivery unit, they gave me several medicines to get things stopped, and we had to wait there so the doctors could monitor you and me until they were satisfied that my cervix was no longer dilating. The nurses wanted me to sleep and I kept thinking, I'd sleep a lot better in my own bed without this IV in my hand, but we had to stay until around noon yesterday when they finally let us go home. Now I'm on bed rest which is difficult, but we'll manage.

In the car on the way to the hospital, I realized that either you were going to be born early and at the hospital, or I was going to have to do this whole labor thing again...very soon. I am so glad you didn't come early, and with some perspective from Catherine, I am trying to think of this first labor as a blessing: I know it's going to take hard work to bring you into the world so we can all meet you, and I know how fear and unfamiliar surroundings would affect that process. But, my body knows what to do, you know what to do, and I just need to get out of the way and let that unfold how it will.

I love you, child. I'm so glad you are eager to come out and meet us! We all have to be patient and wait just a little longer, so you can have more time to grow strong inside me. I know when the time comes, all the waiting and hard work will be more than worth it. See you soon!

Love,
Momma

Dear Baby,

When I was just ten weeks pregnant, your dad and I went to Travis and Shannon's house for dinner with them and their two little ones. While we were there, your dad told them we were expecting you and everyone was very excited. Sometime later in the night, Shannon and I started talking about weight gain and food cravings during pregnancy, and she told me they spent more money on food while she was pregnant than they ever have before or since. It was a little hard for me to wrap my mind around wanting to eat much of anything other than pretzels at that moment, but I filed that little bit of information away for a later date.

Well, child, that date is here. You are now 2.5lbs and 15inches long, and holy cow--do you love pineapple lately! Your dad and I calculated it last night, and in the last ten days, we have spent $37.91 on pineapple alone. As I sit here typing this, I am eating yet another box of pre-sliced pineapple from New Seasons, and it is oh so good! In another day or so, I will have eaten about 100 ounces of pineapple in less than two weeks. In all fairness, Jaymz has eaten some of it. But in ALL FAIRNESS, not much.

I eat it when I wake up [pineapple and tea], I eat it with breakfast [pineapple and eggs], I eat it alone for afternoon snack and while I'm making dinner, I eat it with dessert [pineapple and ice cream], and I eat it when you wake me up from 2-4am as my mid-night snack [pineapple and milk]!

Your grandmother suggested to me today that maybe you will come out doing the hula. That would be just fine with me! This a wonderful craving and I'm enjoying every juicy minute of it. I can hardly wait to meet the little person who is doing all these things to my body. See you soon!

Love,
Momma

Dear Baby,

Yesterday I got to see you on ultrasound again! I was thinking we'd done that for the last time before meeting you here in the outside world, but something came up and our midwife wanted to have some more information about what's going on in there. Rachel went with me, and we got to enjoy seeing you wiggle around and pucker your tiny little lips.

Your face is much fleshier than it was the last time I saw it. You're starting to look rather normal and human! You can get yourself into some really impressive positions, too. When the ultrasound tech said, "There's the face...and there are the toes!" Rachel and I decided that someday you might become a great yogi.

There is just one thing we need to talk about though: your position. While I am totally impressed that you can hold your foot right by your head, all the time keeping your knee completely straight, the positions you are choosing relative to my body are potentially problematic. The way you were lying yesterday, parallel to the ground with your axis perpendicular to mine, will simply not work for when it's time to come out. For now it's ok, but in a few weeks, you'll have to give it up until after you're outside of me.

Secondly, when your head is up, as it is right now, I have constant heartburn and your feet can kick me *hard* in the bladder. I know it must be fun to be able to do flips and somersaults in there, but as the weeks go on, the amount of room left for you to rotate decreases. Please turn around so your head is near "the exit," as your Dad is calling it, and I promise, we'll all be a lot happier.

Love,
Momma

Dear Baby,

Today your dad felt your kicks for the first time! We were in bed this afternoon, about to take a nap, and I was lying on my back with my hand resting absentmindedly on my belly. I felt you kick my hand once, then again, and I realized that I was feeling you from inside and out, so I said, "Jaymz, put your hand right here," and he felt you kick! He said it felt like "a little pop," like a bubble was popping inside me. He also said it felt a bit like a flick. Lately, you've taken to kicking (or punching, I'm not sure which little bit of you is which) me in the bladder when it's getting full, as if to say, "Momma! It's getting a little crowded in here! Go pee!"

I have been feeling your movements much stronger the past few days, so I'm glad your dad will be able to feel them now, too! I thought it would be a while longer before he could experience your tiny kicks with his big hands, but you reminded me (again) today that we're on your time line, not mine or anyone else's.

I'm glad you're starting to be able to interact with your environment in new ways. There are so many things you'll get to experience when you're outside of me, but for now I'm glad you don't have to be bothered with all of those things. I'll keep you safe and help you grow until your little feet are ready to touch the outside world. And when you're ready, Dad and I will be so excited to meet you! Until then, we'll try to be patient. We love you so much!

Love,
Momma

Dear Baby,

Last night your Dad was telling me how much he loves you, and you're not even here yet! We do love you very much, and I always want you to know that. No matter what happens, we will love you more than we can even know right now.

It's crazy that with each passing day I feel like I get to know you a little more, and yet you've not taken a breath outside of me. I enjoy thinking about all your tiny parts, and how amazing it is that you're growing and thriving in your watery world. I'm totally impressed with my body's ability to carry out this process that I've never done before. I don't need to know how; my body knows for me.

You and your Dad and I, we are a family already. We love, love, love you.

Love,
Momma

Dear Baby,

When you want something, you want it now. This is something I've had to get used to over these past few months, particularly when it comes to my eating habits. First it was the Cheerios in the middle of the night during the weeks of nausea, but your demands have definitely evolved. There are things I didn't really like before that I eat a lot of now because they are things you like. One good example of this is celery. Before I was pregnant, I didn't like the texture, the stringiness of celery. But now--I can't get enough of it!

Another example is beef. Child, I'll have you know that before you existed, your Momma didn't really like red meat all that much. Apparently you like red meat, because I've been eating steaks and hamburgers for weeks. In fact, yesterday I got a craving that I couldn't ignore, and it was something I've never made before, but since you wanted it, your dad and I got all of the ingredients to make it this morning. And then, I went to bed last night and dreamed about it all night long. You're definitely persistent, I'll give you that!

So, I woke up this morning and turned our kitchen into Denny's so you could have the breakfast of our dreams:
I cooked every little bit of this for you, from the biscuits to the eggs to the [real] sausage gravy, and it was delicious. I hope you liked it! I have to say, as much as he makes fun of me for my sudden cravings, I think your dad is grateful to you for getting me wanting to eat beef, because it means I cook it and he gets to eat it, too!

I have more typical pregnancy cravings, also, like dill pickles [we've gone through two jars so far] and various types of cookies [I haven't been counting the cookies]. We're wondering whether you will also like these things when you come out and can eat solid foods many months from now. I guess there aren't many people who don't like cookies, so I'll have to improve my baking skills. Or maybe that's something your dad could take over, instead.

I love you, baby. We're getting bigger every day, and I'm so excited to meet you!

Love,
Momma

Dear Baby,

Just now I felt you move for the first time! I've probably been feeling you for a while, but this time I was absolutely sure it was you.

I was lying on the couch today elevating my hips because you've gotten a little too comfy down low in my pelvis and it's making me have contractions, and all of a sudden you thumped me right in the belly on the left side. It felt sort of like someone was flicking me through jello, muted but intentional.

It is fun to know when you're moving around inside me! It's nice to be reassured that you're having a good time and doing alright in there. I'm looking forward to the day when we can run around and play together, but until then I'll keep you safe and warm and enjoy feeling all your tiny movements.

Love,
Momma

Dear Baby,

Today something scary happened that made me think maybe you aren't doing so well in there. Your dad and I are very attached to you, you know, and we really want you to come out happy and healthy when you're ready.

We went to have an ultrasound to make sure you are ok, and I could hardly stand it, I had to pee so badly. I thought I might pee right there on the bed when the ultrasound tech pushed on my belly. But then I saw your tiny heart beating and your little face and I forgot about my discomfort [for the moment].

Your dad held my hand as we saw your profile and your perfect little fingers, and when the tech tried to take your picture, you rolled right over and showed all of us your butt instead. Your dad squeezed my hand when you stretched both of your legs out straight several times in a row, as if to protest all this interference with your playtime.

We saw your placenta, the amazing disposable organ that is made up of 50% my cells and 50% your cells. It's something we made together! We saw your umbilical cord, the lifeline that will keep you well fed until you take your first breaths and I make the switch to feeding you actively from my body.

I knew you were in there, growing and changing, but since I can't feel you yet I didn't know how very active you are! You're downright wiggly! I know it is only a matter of time before those little feet start kicking me in the ribs and bladder, and I secretly can't wait.

You and I have a lot of growing left to do, Little One, and not that much time in which to do it. Go team!

Love,
Momma

Dear Baby,

It was several weeks ago that the little plus sign showed up on the pregnancy test. I was so excited that I woke your Dad up early so we could celebrate. Since then, I've felt pregnant in the sense that my body doesn't really feel like it's my own anymore. I've felt pregnant in that I feel sick all the time, but I know it's because you're in there growing bigger every day.

I can't help but think of you as quite like a parasite, albeit the best kind ever! You make me sick, you eat my food, and you keep me up at night. You've interrupted many of my bodily processes that were working just fine thank-you-very-much, and you send me to the bathroom countless times per day. For the past couple of weeks, you've taken to waking me up right around 3:30 every morning and demanding that I Eat a bowl of Cheerios--right now or I will not let you sleep! ...and you mean it.

Yesterday, the way I think about you changed when we were able to hear your tiny heartbeat for the first time. It didn't sound like I thought it would--like it will when you're bigger--but it was tiny and strong and fast. Your Dad was right there with us, holding his breath and listening. And then the most amazing thing happened: I took a breath in, and your heart beat faster; I let it out, and your heart slowed down a bit, just like mine. At that moment, I immediately felt less like That Cranky Lady With The Tape Worm, and much more like Your Momma, The Best Host Organism You Could Ever Have!

We invited your little soul to join our family, and now I am officially welcoming you to my body. I'll do my best to help you grow into whomever you're meant to become, during this time when you're inside me, and then when you are outside, until you don't need me anymore.

Love,
Momma