Sunday Surf: Contentment and Mothering

I'm catching up on Sunday Surfing today (translation: this is a long one—hope you're ready to do some reading!), as I've been not feeling as inclined to write the past few weeks. Things have been busy and kind of complicated lately...which is a post for another day. I will say that we're all enjoying this long weekend together, taking it easy while also taking small steps to continue to get more settled into our new house.

The past two evenings have been punctuated by quick after-dinner thunderstorms, a rare occurrence in Portland (aside from the past two nights, I only recall one other thunderstorm since we moved here five years ago). I've really enjoyed getting to be a spectator to the energy in that kind of storm, observing and drawing on it, feeling the vibration of the thunder move through my body. Nature really is awesome.

I recently participated in the Carnival of Weaning, reflecting on my experiences with Daniel's weaning just a few months ago. I wrote up a quick tutorial for how to make a photo book like the one I made for us to commemorate the occasion. Daniel loves this book. He asks me to read it to him at least once per day, and he enjoys talking about what we're doing in every photograph, pointing out our hands and eyes and discussing drinking mama's milk. I'm really glad I took the time to make this opportunity for us to share this story together!

There are so many thoughtful and informative posts to read from this carnival—I encourage you to browse through the list at the bottom of my post and learn more about others' personal experiences with weaning.

A big Thank you! to Rebekah and Chris of Liberated Family for their recent guest post on how our families can work toward reducing household waste. I'm very impressed that this family of four manages to only produce half a paper grocery bag of garbage per week! I I think my family does fairly well in our continual efforts to reduce our carbon footprint, but Rebekah and Chris inspire me to try even harder to lessen our impact on the environment. I hope you'll check out their post for some helpful tips, then head over to Liberated Family and poke around—they've got many excellent green living resources which I know you'll find helpful! (If you feel so inclined, you could also check out their Etsy shop, Born at Home Toys, where they feature gorgeous handmade wooden toys. Daniel loves his cherry hatchback!)

Have you entered to win my latest giveaway yet? Patricia Sereno is offering Anktangle readers a chance to win one of ten Moonrise Lullaby Celtic harp CDs, a collection perfectly suited to soothe a fussy baby into a restful sleep. I truly love this music, and I know you and the little one(s) in your life will too! I hope you'll check out the giveaway to learn more about the artist and her mission, and then use the easy Rafflecopter system to enter to win. (Open Worldwide; ends June 9th at 11:59PM Eastern.)

Here are a few of the great things I've read lately:

Sunday Surf – Move: Accomplished!

We moved yesterday!

Every time I move, I discover something while packing that I didn’t realize I had. (Does this happen to you? Maybe I’m the only one who doesn’t have full awareness of the contents of my living space.) This time (among other things) I was surprised by the vastness of our dental floss collection. I didn’t count, but you can see that there’s no shortage of oral hygiene products in this household! We even have oddball dental floss flavors, including bacon and cupcake. If I wasn’t such a hoarder, I might get rid of these, but I can’t bring myself to this time. I am making progress with my hoarding, though: after bagging up the dental floss (to keep), I Freecycled two large bags of other toiletries and feminine hygiene products, all of which went to a women’s shelter. It does feel good to get rid of things sometimes!

What’s the weirdest or funniest thing you’ve found while packing to move? I can’t wait to hear your story!

Thanks to two lovely guest writers, Dionna of Code Name: Mama and Jorje of Momma Jorje, for providing excellent posts this week while I was busy organizing my dental floss collection packing and preparing to move. Dionna wrote about navigating challenging moments with little ones—without tearing them down in the process. Jorje wrote about getting to know her son Spencer (who has Down Syndrome) and the ways in which he does and doesn't fit the DS label. I hope you'll visit both Dionna's blog and Jorje's blog to show them some kindness for being so generous to me!

Here are a few of the great things I've read this week:

Sunday Surf: Sick Days & Reorganization

Family hugs make everything better!

We're going through a bit of a rough patch lately. Daniel hasn't been sleeping well during nap or nighttime, and he's begun to experience night terrors. Also, I've got shingles (again), and as such, I've been feeling rather under the weather lately. I'm very hopeful that we'll all turn a corner soon and things will start to get a little easier again. Here's to that!

We're moving soon, so we're starting to go through everything around here and try to get somewhat organized in preparation for the (fast-approaching) packing phase. Since I've been feeling ill, I've not been quite as productive as I've wanted, but that's alright. I can't seem to get out of the organizational mindset though, so even during my resting time I was dreaming up new ways to get organized so I can get back into writing Sunday Surf posts again. I'm going to do my best to keep doing this, even if it's only a couple of links per week!

Here are a few of the great things I've read lately:

Dear Daniel, (On Weaning & Welcoming Change)

It's been almost two weeks since you nursed last. After nearly twenty months of nursing, you have decided to wean.

This has been an unexpected transition (yet it's also completely expected, in some respects). We began the weaning process as soon as you had your first bite of food. Around eleven months old, you night weaned (on your own) and we all started getting more sleep at night. At fourteen months, your nursing frequency suddenly decreased, and I feared you were weaning completely then. I wrote about it for the Nursing Past Infancy series at Code Name: Mama, as I started to process the fact that our time as a nursing dyad would come to an end at some point. Fortunately, we had close to six more months after that to enjoy this aspect of our relationship together.

Our last nursing photo

Since very early on in our breastfeeding relationship, I've had a strong desire for you to be able to wean on your own timetable, and I checked in with myself and reaffirmed that desire shortly after your first birthday. Now that you have made this transition on your own, I'm very grateful that it has played out this way. There were times when I had considered whether you would want to nurse until you were three or four, and I wondered how that would feel. For many months, I (pretty much) practiced the "don't offer, don't refuse" method of nursing, which some parents consider to be a weaning strategy. Since you still nursed as often as you wanted (quite frequently) without me offering, I didn't see it as a way to cut back on our nursing times. Rather, I saw it as a way to allow you more control over this part of your life: for you to take the lead when you were ready to stop.

Love Your Tree

Welcome to the I Love Me! Carnival!

This post was written for inclusion in the I Love Me! Carnival hosted by Amy at Anktangle. This carnival is all about love of self, challenging you to lift yourself up, just for being you.

Please read to the bottom to find a list of submissions from the other carnival participants.

---

For over a year now, trees have been overwhelming the imagery in my mind. I can't stop thinking of all the ways that the living things in nature, and trees in particular, reflect the changes and growth that happen in the human mind and body.

This metaphor of the body/mind unit being a tree has helped me greatly to accept—embrace, even!—the changes that have occurred (and will continue) in my body and mind over time.

Take a moment to picture a brand new baby tree: its tiny roots are barely beginning to grasp the soil, its leaves are delicate and small, its twig-like trunk is thin and spindly. A sapling undergoes relatively rapid and dramatic growth in its early years (just like a baby human), transforming from a mere seed to a tall and proud young tree. Some saplings need tender care and shelter for their roots to take hold, and others grow tall and strong in the most unlikely of places, seemingly out of nowhere and with no regard to their (sometimes extremely unfriendly and unwelcoming) surroundings.

As a tree ages (reaches adulthood), its growth begins to slow. It becomes mature enough to perhaps flower and bear fruit or at least to drop seeds of some kind onto the ground in an effort to reproduce. The trunk of the tree gets thicker and stronger. Its roots grow deeper and its branches stretch out wider, soaking in more and more energy from the sun.

Call for Submissions: I Love ME! Carnival

I try very hard to cultivate and maintain a positive self image, including a positive body image. But it can be hard not to slip into old habits of negative self-talk, especially when lots of other women do it, too. I know we've all experienced a group conversation when one person says something negative about herself, and it turns into a discussion about the things we dislike about ourselves. Sometimes it devolves even further into a mini competition. (Oh yeah? Well my body is SO much worse than yours because....)

It's extremely easy to get caught up in self-deprecating speech and negative thoughts, particularly when it's so prevalent. That's why I had the idea to host this blog carnival: why not have a day where instead of comparing all our flaws, we all celebrate the awesome things about ourselves and each other?!

Introducing: I Love ME! The lift yourself up, just for being you carnival.

On Body Image, Pregnancy, and BMI

All this has been milling around in my head (and my drafts section) for months now. It took reading Lauren from Hobo Mama's post last week on feeling fat during pregnancy to get everything stirred up enough to hopefully make some sense:

I agree with Paige of Baby Dust Diaries, that we should celebrate our largeness when we're pregnant. We should be not only allowed, but praised and revered for looking "...ample, bounteous, abundant, and ripe.... overflowing with life!" Unlike Paige, however, I do not comment on how huge other women look when they're pregnant, even though I wholeheartedly agree that the pregnant body is incredibly amazingly beautiful and womanly.

I don't comment on other people's bodies because sometimes when people did that to me when I was pregnant, it hurt my feelings. I really tried to take the comments from my friends and family members about my size in a positive light; I did. But when someone was talking about how big I was with concern in their face and voice, I felt like shouting, "I'm PREGNANT for goodness sake! Let me be really big and gloriously ROUND without guilt or shame for once in my life!" Then, when the receptionist at my chiropractor's office told me one day (at about six months pregnant) that I looked chubby, I wanted to cry. That's never a nice thing to say to a person; I don't care how much you appreciate the pregnant form. I think it's risky to tell someone they're "huge!" because even if you mean it in a nice way, someone else saying those same words might not share your good intentions.

Those times when people commented in a not-totally-nice way, and that day I was called chubby, I felt fat...in a bad way. So when I read Lauren's post last week about feeling fat, all those feelings started flooding back to me. I totally understand feeling like maybe I don't look like one of those beautiful pregnant people. I gained weight in my whole body when I was pregnant (not just my belly) even though I was eating healthily (albeit, a lot). I was also doing yoga and water aerobics four times per week until I had to go on bed rest after I went into preterm labor.

When I gain weight, I gain it in my belly, hips, butt, and thighs. There is so much emphasis in the media put on having flat abs, that my belly has always been a source of self-consciousness. Watching my belly grow during pregnancy was a transformative experience for me. It was no less than life-changing. I couldn't suck it in anymore; I couldn't hide it. At first I was panicking, feeling hyper-aware and worried whenever I went out, thinking people were looking at me and thinking bad things about me. Somewhere along the way, that changed. It brought people so much joy to see me in all my pregnant glory—big, round belly sticking out there with an energetic baby wiggling inside. At the same time, I was feeling full of life and loving energy and excitement for the future. For maybe the first time, I was proud of my body. I haven't been able to look at myself the same way since. It's been liberating.

We all know it's ridiculous to compare ourselves to celebrity moms. They give birth and then show up two weeks later on the cover of a magazine, airbrushed and glowing, thin and hot as ever. We know it's not reasonable to expect ourselves to "bounce back" from pregnancy in a matter of weeks to regain a teenager's figure—and yet—there's still a pressure in our society to achieve that. There's a huge stigma attached to being fat, whether or not you just gave birth to a baby. God forbid your body never looks the same afterward. You're ruined.

I'm coming up on the socially acceptable time frame for losing the baby weight ("Nine months on and nine months off!") and I'm not even close to my pre-pregnancy weight. There are many factors affecting my weight, some of which include: breastfeeding hormones, sleep deprivation, the stress of caring for a child who until just recently was spending many hours a day screaming. Even though I've resumed my cycle (I experienced less than half of the 14.6 month average for lactational amenorrhea) Daniel is still almost entirely breastfed, so my body is still sustaining life for another human.


I've found that my appetite is even greater since I've been breastfeeding than it ever was when I was pregnant. (This makes sense, since it expends about 500 extra calories per day to breastfeed, versus 300 calories per day sustaining a pregnancy.) My appetite is starting to be not as big some days, but other days, I am hungry all the time. The fact is, in spite of the extra calories expended through nursing our babies, many breastfeeding mothers don't start to lose their pregnancy weight until their babies start solid foods. Some don't lose pregnancy weight until their babies wean completely. Some women will even gain weight while breastfeeding. Since my plan is to allow Daniel to wean at his own pace, I'm not going to push the weight loss thing.

I've been actively trying not to think about my weight since Daniel was born because, frankly, our little family has been in survival mode for much of these past seven months. I should be "allowed" as much time as my body needs to get to a weight that is normal for me. If I never get back into my favorite jeans, I'm totally OK with that. I can find a new favorite pair of jeans.

I went to have a physical when Daniel was about five months old, when we were deep in the throes of day after day of crying (and not knowing about his sensory issues yet). My new physician told me that I really needed to lose the baby weight as quickly as I can. According to my BMI, I was obese. I'm not going to go into how much crap the BMI metric is (but you should definitely watch this BMI project slide show, if you haven't seen it already). What I will say is: it was hard to hear from my doctor that it was high time I lose some baby weight, especially when I felt like we were barely out of the newborn, he-needs-me-every-second-of-every-day phase with Daniel at that point. I understand the potential health benefits of weighing less. But I refuse to let the obese label get me down.

I truly believe that it's wrong that our society has accepted that "thin = good" and "fat = bad." The "obese" label carries with it so much more weight (forgive the pun) than just a number on a BMI chart. I don't agree with any of that; it's not just, right, or fair. But I'm not immune to it. I grew up hearing other women discuss their body woes with each other and watched them scrutinize themselves in the mirror. I spent my teenage years reading teen girl magazines and comparing my pimply, flat-chested self to the perfectly airbrushed models in the pages. Then I felt the results of those things and also saw them affecting my peers, in the form of wildly distorted body image, low self-esteem, and disordered eating.

I can't look in the mirror and say mean things to myself anymore, because my body has done great things. Very recently, I made an entire human being with this body, and then gave birth to him at home after a very long labor. I did that. With this body. This amazing, beautiful, capable body. "Obese" or not, I'm worthy of love and respect. I'm beautiful inside and out. My body rocks.

Unlike in years past, now I'm able to rail against what I've been taught through observation of other women and the media's definition of beauty. At this point in my life, I can do that, but I'm not perfect at it all the time. 

I still have trouble, like Lauren has written about also, with maintaining an exercise routine while still retaining a positive body image. I am spending time on fitness activities regularly right now, for many reasons. I'm doing it because I want to. Mostly I'm doing it so I can feel more comfortable in my body, so it can feel like it belongs to me again. I'm trying very hard to just enjoy moving and using my body, and to not let it morph into that familiar downward spiral from my teenage years of constant self-judgment about my body and character. It doesn't matter if I lose weight, I'm already doing a good thing for myself by being more active.

I can't always be the perfect role model for positive body image. What I can do, though, is to try very hard to always tell pregnant women that they look beautiful. To never hold back a compliment for a fellow mama (or anyone!) when I feel inspired to give one. I can decide to never scrutinize myself in the mirror—whether or not my child is watching—and I can refuse to entertain conversations with other women about how much our bodies disappoint us. I can surround myself and my home with a variety of images of what beauty looks like: different shapes, sizes, colors, ages, and genders. I can resist the urge to jokingly (and passive-aggressively, let's be honest) say, "I hate you" when another woman loses weight faster/fits into her regular jeans sooner/is a smaller size than I am, and instead tell her genuinely, "Congratulations! I'm happy for you."

I really think we need to be the change on this one. We get to show our kids what it means to be happy with our bodies. (We also get to show them what real women look like.) We get to demonstrate the beauty of variety, of non-homogeneity. We get to choose to have positive interactions with other women about body image, instead of perpetuating thinly-veiled self-hate as a regular topic of conversation.

We can do this. I'm ready to start anew today. (And again tomorrow, and then the next day.)

Are you with me?

fitness...fail?

I saw my midwife on Tuesday for my 6-week post-partum check-up. (Daniel weighed in at 10lbs 10oz. He is growing so fast!) Catherine asked a bunch of questions and checked me over, and cleared me for any and all physical activity. My diastasis recti (abdominal muscle separation) is healing well on its own, and she encouraged me to help it along with some crunches. The only thing that's still hurting all the time is my tailbone, and I continue to feel discouraged at that slow healing process. I promised my chiropractor when I went in on Tuesday afternoon that I was going to get back to exercising the next day.

Well so far, I haven't done a whole lot in the way of fitness activities. I haven't been able to go to Mama/Baby yoga yet because of my tailbone injury, and it really is hard to find the time to exercise when caring for an infant. I spend my "free time" catching up on household chores, napping with Daniel, or eating a much-needed meal. I've also been going to the breastfeeding groups (Mom's Group) at New Seasons the past two weeks, and I plan on keeping up with that.

I'm grateful that I'm breastfeeding for its effect on my body's recovery from pregnancy: I weighed myself for the first time since a couple days after I have birth and I've lost over 20lbs so far. Hopefully in the next few weeks I can figure out some kind of fitness routine that will work into my days at home with Daniel, and will help my body to re-gain some of its former level of fitness (or improve upon it!).

Until then, I'm trying to be very gentle with myself and my body. I'm not going to worry about fitting into pre-pregnancy clothes for a while, and I'm not going to make a habit of weighing myself, because that number doesn't really matter. I'm just going to work on being active and enjoying this precious time with my baby, and I think the rest of it will fall into place eventually.

What do you think? How long should a woman give herself post-baby to get back into shape? Should she even try? =)

multi-purpose, we are!

After my participation in the Carnival of Nursing in Public and a related phone conversation I had with my brother Matthew, I got to wondering: What is it about breasts that makes it so difficult for people to appreciate, accept, (even celebrate?) their multi-functional nature? (This is a comment-turned-post in response to Lauren at HoboMama's post on Christianity's effect on breastfeeding.)

The first day of the carnival was dedicated to posts about "creating a culture of breastfeeding in a hyper-sexualized world". This is obviously the big reason that people are anti-breastfeeding in public. I assume that they think, because of cultural influences, that breasts are innately and primarily sexual organs, and should not be exposed in public, because if you are exposing your breasts in public, you must be doing something lewd or inappropriate. Breasts were obviously intended and created by nature (or God) to feed babies. They make milk, after all! Humans are the only mammals who grow their breasts prior to needing them for feeding purposes. Maybe that is what confuses the situation?

But regardless of any of this, what confuses me the most about this argument that breasts are sexual things is that there are many parts of our bodies that are used for sexual purposes as well as practical, functional purposes. For instance, the male urethra is used for expelling both urine and semen; the vagina is used for birthing babies and, well, making them.

So then the argument becomes: But it isn't socially acceptable to urinate or give birth in public, so why should people breastfeed in public? My answer to that is: Because it provides nourishment, comfort, and love to a child. (As my brother put it in our phone conversation, "How can you be against feeding babies?!")

Just about any body part can be considered sexually attractive, fetishized, or used for sexual purposes. When we eat, drink, talk, laugh, or sing in public, are we denying that mouths are used for kissing? I think not—we are just celebrating that mouths have many purposes (many more, even, than breasts)! Aren't our bodies simply amazing?

What are our bodies for, anyway?

This post is for all the amazing women in my life (and the people who love them):

I was partly inspired by The Shape of a Mother, a website dedicated to displaying pictures of real mothers' bodies, "so we can finally see what women really look like sans airbrushes and plastic surgery." Bonnie, of SOAM, hopes that we will "begin to cherish our new bodies which have done so much for the human race."

I was provoked by this recent post in particular, by a mother who is proud of her body and is challenging other women to love themselves just the way they are, and stop being so hateful. One of the commenters to her post says "I really get angry when I see people say things like I would never have had kids if I [had known] it would ruin my body". I talked about this statement at length with my mom the day after I read it, which happened to be just 3 days after I had given birth to my son. I looked down at my body, which had just completed the amazing job of growing an entire human from two single cells (not to mention the task of birthing that baby in our spare bedroom) and I couldn't imagine feeling like my body was ruined. Then I looked at my sweet sleeping baby, who I'm still falling in love with more and more each day. I couldn't imagine ever wishing I could go back in time and not have him, even if I did feel like my body was ruined.

Here's the thing about our bodies: whether or not we grow babies inside them, we will not stay young forever. Our bodies will change and sag and wrinkle, and there's not a whole lot we can do about it. Why spend our time and energy worrying and beating ourselves up over the natural process of living inside these bodies? It happens to everyone! And not one of us is getting out of this life—well—alive! So what are our bodies for? Are they primarily for display, as so many women seem to have been convinced? Are they for the pleasure of our lovers/partners/spouses?

I believe our bodies are meant to be used. Yes, we should take care of ourselves, nourish our bodies with rest and good food and physical activity, but why should we obsess over every little stretch mark and bit of fat or loose skin? My body was changed by pregnancy, and it continues to change each day as it returns to its non-pregnant state while making milk for my child. But that is not a bad thing! We can't look like we're 16 or 18 or 21 for our whole lives—and who would want to!? We are not stagnant and unchanging creatures; we are dynamic, multi-faceted, and ever-evolving. What a gift that is!

My body has done some really impressive things recently, and it will continue to impress me throughout my life. I believe it is more beautiful now that Daniel is in my life. Anything that can produce something as wonderful as a precious baby boy (or girl) deserves to be loved, respected, admired, cared for and—most of all—treated gently.

My child(ren) will know a woman who loves herself. This culture of self-hate, especially based on physical appearance, is simply not ok.

I'd like to finish with a video I've posted before:

"pretty"

I saw this today thanks to Facebook and it really got to me since I've got this amazing child growing in my belly:

FLAWZ

Loving this today.

too big for my skin

This has come to me at just the right time, as my amazing body is growing a baby and I am on this journey to become a mother: