Tuesday, August 28, 2012

There Are No Favorites (I Hate You All The Same)

The Taboo CarnivalWelcome to the Taboo Carnival. Our topic this summer is PLAYING FAVORITES! 

This guest post was written for inclusion in the quarterly Taboo Carnival hosted by Momma Jorje and Hybrid Rasta Mama

This month our participants reflect on favoritism in relationships with children, parents, siblings, and more. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

My mother. She isn't a bad person. In fact, she is pretty amazing. Respected in her career field. Travels the world. Is a great grandmother. She was just never really right in the roll of "Mom."

She always professed a hatred for being pregnant. She said she doesn't know why she did it multiple times over. Well, she did confess my youngest sibling was an accident. And we know the first was, even if that is the only thing we know about that child.

She was straight out of Catholic school. And pregnant. Her family did what was needed to support her though it and get the baby adopted out. Then kicked her out. If she wanted to be an adult: go for it. So she went off, got married, had some children.

After her "accident" last child, she shut down business in the form of a tubal. Then realizing she didn't have to be a baby maker anymore: returned to school. College, after more than 10 years. Only, she realized what she had missed by starting a family so early. She started spending her time regaining those years, ignoring her family. She got divorced. Her life spun out, as she tried to regain her youth.

Under all of that were some children who had no idea. They didn't understand why mom was gone all the time. Why she was so angry when she was around. One after another, her children fought to gain her acceptance, and when that failed, fought her for the unfair treatment. But cycles repeat. She had lost any chance to be her parent's favorite, so she refused to play favorites with hers. But she had also lost trust in the unconditional love of parenting, so she shut her children out. And when they were old enough, they parted ways. By walking out, or being kicked out. But, it isn't a sad ending.

Her family had grown. They knew the hurt. The divorce led my father to conversations about forgiveness and change. So, we did. Slowly. And the story ending is not a bad one. We all love each other. We are together as a family and wouldn't have it any other way. We have all grown to see the value in unconditional love, and that there doesn't need to be favorites.

Visit Momma Jorje and Hybrid Rasta Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Taboo Carnival! Enjoy the posts from this month’s Carnival participants!

(This list will be live and updated by afternoon August 28 with all the carnival links.)

  • Playing Favourites — Lyndsay at ourfeminist{play}school looks at how her intense parenting style has created what 'looks' like favourites but is more causal than reality.

  • Taking Longer to Fall in Love with My Second Baby — Dionna at Code Name: Mama fell helplessly, powerlessly in love with her first-born. Love with her second-born has not been as easy, but does that mean #1 is her favorite?

  • Yes, Parents Have A Favorite Child — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shares her thoughts on parents having a favorite child and how this may have long term effects on both the favored and unfavored child.

  • Money and Equality: Should All Your Kids Get the Same? — At Authentic Parenting, Laura investigates whether or not we should provide exactly the same for our children financially.

  • My Kids Totally Play Favourites — Amber at Strocel.com tries hard not to play favourites with her kids - but they make no secret of which parent they prefer.

  • What makes a favorite? — Jorje of Momma Jorje ponders what caused her grandparents and parents to choose favorites. She also considers possible causes for her own favoritism.

  • There Are No Favorites (I Hate You All The Same) — Amy at Anktangle guest hosts about it being easy to see how a cycle of conditional love can make a mother keep her children at arms reach.

  • Mommy Dearest or Darling Daddy? — Amanda at Let's Take the Metro guest hosts about every parent having faults. Jorje of Momma Jorje ponders why she would prefer one parent over the other and whether this applies to every situation or can it vary?

  • On having two kids & not playing fair — Lauren at Hobo Mama learned from her mother that you don't raise children based on what's fair but on what's right for each child.

  • More Than the Kid Sister — Amy of Me, Mothering, and Making it All Work always felt that she lived in the shadow of her older brother's accomplishments, until her parents made her aware that her personality and passion have always brought them joy and pride.

  • The Ugly Side of Favoritism — Shannon of Pineapples and Artichokes shares a guest post with a warning: Don't favor one child over the other.


  1. How lovely that your family has managed to turn such disappointment around. All of us were wanted kids, but the way we were treated, and still are is simply not correct, and even having pointed out this several times over the years, my parents do not acknowledge or even see that they were wrong, and so the abuse still continues...

  2. I'm glad to hear that this story has a happy ending. :)

  3. Wow! That is a really happy ending! How beautiful that you can ALL put the past behind you and move forward in love.

    Thanks for writing for our Carnival and showing that there is a positive side that comes out of less than ideal parenting. Family comes together!

  4. Amazing that your [guest's] family was able to come back from that kind of damage! Wonderful!


Thanks for your comment! I love hearing from you.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...