This post was written for inclusion in the carnival hosted by The Artful Mama and Natural Parents Network. During this carnival our participants have focused on the many different forms and shapes Natural Parenting can take in our community.
To me, the essence of natural parenting is trusting and following my instincts, being mindful of biological norms, and making intentional, informed decisions about the way I choose to parent.
I'm a natural parent, and my 20-month-old son has been using a pacifier since he was exactly two weeks old.
Sometimes one just isn't enough! |
Before Daniel was born, I knew about the importance of solidly establishing breastfeeding (especially milk supply and proper latch) before introducing artificial nipples. I talked with my midwife about when we could introduce a pacifier, and she recommended no earlier than two weeks old. On the day Daniel turned two weeks old, I was feeling confident about our breastfeeding relationship (with respect to latch and also my abundant milk supply), and I was feeling very touched-out, so I sent Jaymz to the store for a pacifier. Daniel has been happily using one ever since. It was a particularly useful tool while riding in the car during those early months, when the only other options would have been to not travel by car, to pull over quite frequently, or for me to nurse him (unrestrained) in the back seat the whole time.
I didn't use the pacifier as a substitute for comfort nursing. Daniel rarely nursed to sleep, but when he wanted to (even in the last few months of nursing him), that's what we did. Daniel was usually quite down-to-business when it came to nursing; he didn't prefer to linger at the breast after finishing his meal. Was this because of our introducing the pacifier at two weeks? Perhaps it was, and I'm alright with that.
I sometimes find myself feeling embarrassed that Daniel uses a pacifier, especially as he gets older. In those moments I remind myself that we made a conscious decision to use this tool to help Daniel soothe himself.
I also have to remind myself that we are dealing with some special circumstances with respect to Daniel. Because of Daniel's sensory processing difficulties, sucking and chewing are very important (heavy work) activities which help provide him with calming proprioceptive input from his mouth and jaw. Having access to a pacifier at all times (as well as crunchy foods and rubbery things to chew on) allows him to have more control over his soothing and emotional regulation, which is something he has a lot of difficulty with. Using a pacifier helps him get through difficult situations while I support him in coping with those situations in other ways.
Several months ago, Jaymz and I started (jokingly) calling the pacifier Daniel's "life coping device," since sometimes it was the only thing that could help him through stressful situations. It really is quite an accurate description, though: if Daniel has his pacifier available, there's already a baseline level of comfort and self-soothing, and Jaymz and I are able to build on that with our other calming and regulating strategies.
I'm a natural parent, and I own and use a fancy stroller.
Out for a walk on a hard day. |
As we continued to take Daniel to OT, I became more aware of the role that Jaymz and I played in soothing Daniel's nervous system: we were his primary regulators. If Jaymz and I weren't able to stay calm and feel regulated ourselves, we wouldn't be able to help prevent Daniel from becoming dysregulated. I realized how important it was for me to be able to recognize and remedy the early signs of fatigue in myself so that I would be able to continue to help Daniel.
One of the things I noticed during that time was how much Daniel's crying was affecting me, both emotionally and physically. I was wearing him almost all day every day, and having the constant loud sound of his screaming so close to my face (and up against my body) was really taking it's toll on me. I loved babywearing, but there were times when (for my own emotional regulation) I needed to be able to put Daniel down, to not have him always be on my body.
I reached out to some family members who graciously offered to help us buy a stroller. While we had hoped to get a more budget-friendly one, we had two specific requirements if we were going to add this tool to our parenting toolbox:
- The stroller needed to be ergonomically comfortable for both Jaymz (at 6'5") and me (at 5'5") to use—not an easy thing to accommodate!
- I wanted it to have a toward-facing seat (a seat which faces the caregiver) unlike most strollers on the market.
I believe that having the toward-facing seat was extremely important for him to continue to feel safe and secure while riding in the stroller. I've read many articles (after buying our stroller) about how outward-facing strollers aren't ideal for babies' language development or stress levels. Wanting to maintain eye contact with Daniel (while I talked to him) on our walks was of utmost importance to me. I knew that for my kid, the studies would hold true: if Daniel couldn't see me, he would feel lost and scared, and the walks wouldn't be nearly as helpful for either of us.
I wanted to make sure that he knew he was safe even when he wasn't snuggled up close to my (or Jaymz's) body, so we kept the stroller inward facing for a long time, until we knew he had solidly established object permanence, and he'd had other fun (outward-facing) riding experiences, like on my bike.
• • •
I consider myself an attachment parent (and a natural parent), and I don't believe that you have to follow a certain set of rules or make all the same decisions as other similarly-minded parents in order to "qualify" for those titles. For instance, parents who choose not to breastfeed can still make that decision consciously and with intention. I believe there are ways to bottle feed which more closely align with biological norms, provide bonding and attachment, and allow the child to have control over their intake.
I think that's really the key: when choosing to use outside tools (bottles, strollers, pacifiers, etc.), to make the intentional decision to use them as additions to—not as substitutions for—attachment-focused parenting practices.

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be live and updated by afternoon February 26 with all the carnival links.)
- My kid is a technophile — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction hasn't turned in her natural parenting card yet, even though her son prefers electronic toys.
- I'm a Natural Parent, but...I use medicine! — Adrienne at Mommying My Way admits that while she hesitates to do so, sometimes she does give her son some medicine when his symptoms get really bad.
- I'm Only Half Planning a Natural Birth — Shannon at The Artful Mama discloses how she is planning her semi-natural hospital birth and still dares to call herself a Natural Parent.
- Why we aren't rear facing — Shannon at Pineapples & Artichokes talks about her decision to turn her one-year-old daughter's carseat around, and how the argument always given for extended rear facing makes her feel.
- Musings of an Almost Crunchy Momma — Valerie at Momma in Progress re-examines her list of natural parenting litmus tests.
- Natural Parenting Does Not Equal Perfect Parenting — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama admits to several not-so-natural parenting and lifestyle practices.
- 10 Reasons to Revoke My Natural Parent Card — Laura at WaldenMommy: Life Behind the Red Front Door discusses why some of her less-than-crunchy practices are better for her family.
- I'm a Natural Parent - BUT... MacNCheese is Awesome. — Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy reveals her penchant for some far from healthy eating, cheap food recipes.
- Crunchy on the Inside — Wolfmother at Fabulous Mama Chronicles muses about how the stereotype of a natural parent does not do justice to the very dynamic group that this parenting philosophy attracts.
- My Reality — Megan from The Other Baby Book confesses a few things about her parenting.
- I'm Crunchy But... — Christy at Mommy Outnumbered shares confessions on all of her "non" crunchy ways.
- I'm A Natural Parent, But...it took me awhile — It took Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling awhile before fully understanding and appreciating Natural Parenting.
- I Am Not a Perfect Natural Parent — Momma Jorje shares her dirty little secrets as a mostly natural parent.
- Crunchy, But Not Crunchier Than Thou — Instead of comparing yourself to others, Dionna at Code Name: Mama encourages you to give yourself permission to be as crunchy as you can for right now.
- I’m a natural parent but…I love bedtimes — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle would never let her children cry-it-out, but she has a selection of other methods to encourage early bedtimes.
- I'm a Natural Parent - BUT... — Lani at Boobie Time Blog believes that following the principles of Natural Parenting doesn't mean you fit a stereotypical mold of societal view.
- Confessions of a Low Supply Mom — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children confesses her insecurities about being a low supply mom.
- I'm a natural parent, but. . . — Not eating her placenta is just one of the ways Ashley at Mama Raw falls short at being a natural parent.
- I'm a Natural Parent But...I have a Few Confessions — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment strives to be a Natural Mama, but wait, she has a few confessions!
- I'm a Natural Parent BUT — Carrie at LoveNotesMama confesses her gratitude for disposable diapers.
- Intestinal Dissection — Melissa from White Noise talks about how imperfection can be beautiful when it is buffered with love.
- How much sugar is too much? — Tat at Mum in Search shares how her no-sugar policy evolved into a balancing act, with the balance point not where she'd like to see it.
- I'm a Natural Parent, but. . . — Amyables at Toddler In Tow talks about three of her parenting habits that are not super "natural."
- Minus Ten Crunchy Points — Joella at Fine and Fair discusses how some of her parenting choices seen as "too crunchy" by those she knows in real life could get her kicked out of the crunchy mom clubs online.
- The Natural Parent "Model" — Kym at Our Crazy Corner of the World talks about her love for not-so-natural cosmetics and beauty products.
- Nice to meet you. — Eileen at Love & Greens talks about how being a natural mama means something different to her every day.
- I’m a natural parent…BUT… — Ashley at Daisy Pedals touches on several natural parenting topics; from cloth diapers to cleaning with natural cleaners.
- I'm a natural parent, but you'd be surprised — Lauren at Hobo Mama confesses to liking diet soda and TV and having lost all her reusable shopping bags.
- I’m a Natural Parent, but…. I don’t shop local — Luschka at Diary of a First Child confesses one of her greatest 'natural' failures - she doesn't shop local and support her community, despite wishing she could.
- Who You Callin' Natural? (a Carnival of Natural Parenting Contribution) — A bit of premise exposition, some tongue-in-cheek filler, and a photographic list of all the ways Embrita Blogging cheats at being natural.
- Dirty Secrets of a Green & Natural Mama (and Why I'm Not Afraid to Share Them!) — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares her definition of what it means to be a perfect mama as well as a few of her dirty little secrets.
- Green Mommy Guilt — Jen at Jen and Joey Green talks about how being a perfect Green Mom is overrated.
- Life Coping Devices — Amy at Anktangle discusses two ("non-AP") coping strategies her family has used for getting through difficult times with her son: the pacifier and the stroller.
- We use disposable diapers. There. I said it. — The mama at Our Muddy Boots shares a bed, nurses her 4 year old, is vegetarian, and is committed to homeschooling; but Pampers adorn her child's bottom. Ugh!
- Committed to Cloth, but... — Sheila at A Living Family affirms her love of cloth diapering, despite the draw of disposables.
- Natural Parenting as a Doorway to Deep Truths — Amy from Peace for Parents guest posts at Natural Parents Network and shares how for her "natural parenting" is much less about a definition and much more an avenue to explore truths of life.
- Chicken No-nos — Jessica at Pace Family Place strives to live naturally but feeds her oldest son some not-so natural things
Hugs to you, Mama. Though I do not know you, I quickly pictured you standing at the sink, or in front of the computer with a baby on your chest. Screaming. For the seventh hour. After the seventeenth day.
ReplyDeleteClearly, you have carefully and lovingly made choices in the best interest of your child. It seems to me that thoughtful choices are the most important ones.
It is also clear that you are taking amazing care of your little kiddo, and he is blessed to have you and Jaymz as parents.
You know, I bet that Kieran would have done better with a pacifier, but I was also so scared of how I'd be perceived as an NP parent using a paci - isn't that awful?! I hate that we have to weigh decisions based on how people will judge us :( Good for you for recognizing what Daniel needed!!
ReplyDeleteI decided to use a pacifier (my finger because we didn't own one yet) one of those early nights with Little Man as well. My mom commented about it but then afterwards she kept trying to pop it in his mouth too. The photo in your post cracks me up because I feel like sometimes one isn't enough for me either. We have more then one stroller as well because we just needed it at times and I think that there are ways to use these tools that support natural parenting even though at first it may look like they go against everything we "believe". Thank you for sharing your story about your amazing little boy and how you have supported his needs.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your choices, intentions, and closing remarks about using things that may not seem "natural". It really is about doing what works for *you* and yours, not adhering to some standard that ends up with everyone feeling miserable. Much love to you and your family.
ReplyDeleteYou give perfect examples of the difference between a tool and a crutch. Your son is surely benefitting from your flexibility and clarity of thought around these two tools. I tried a pacifier around the same time for my first, but she didn't take it. I also admit to using the car to put her down for naps once in a while when she was younger because nothing else seemed to work. If you had to deal with hours and hours of screaming and you got a stroller to help with that most folks would say you are a genius.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your experiences and perspective.
sheila
"I think that's really the key: when choosing to use outside tools (bottles, strollers, pacifiers, etc.), to make the intentional decision to use them as additions to—not as substitutions for—attachment-focused parenting practices"
ReplyDeleteAmen, sister.
Beautiful post! I'm particularly glad your family generously supported you with that stroller. It is so true that self care enables us to care for others on such a deeper level, and for so much longer! This post is incredibly important. Thank you for writing it. =)
(my babies had pacis too! they're not evil, lol!)
I completely agree with you! Being a natural parent is all about following your instincts, and you clearly know what is best for your little guy. We would be awful parents if we withheld things from our family that make their lives better just to fit in with an esoteric definition. Daniel is lucky to have such a wonderful mama who knows how to follow her instincts!
ReplyDeleteI actually kinda wish my son would take a pacifier. I feel like if he did then he wouldnt use ME constantly like a paci!!!!! Ive totally tried to reintroduce it to him (at 14 months)
ReplyDeleteMy son sounds a lot like yours. I really wish we had introduced the pacifier early on because it may have been helpful. I'm with you, we have to listen to them and use whatever tools we can ;)
ReplyDeleteLate to commenting, but this is so clearly and insightfully written. I used to be terrified of pacifiers (I wouldn't let Mikko have one, despite outside pressure and constant comfort nursing), but when Alrik was screaming in the car and would.not.stop and I had to get places regardless as a mama to two, as you know I asked you and some others for some recommendations, and off I went to the pacifier store. It's come in handy for other things since then, too, and I don't regret it. And yet I sometimes whip it out when we're going to take a picture or meet crunchy friends, lol. Oh, well.
ReplyDeleteWe broke down and found a fancier stroller when Mikko was showing no signs of wanting to stroll on his own two feet (when was this? when he was 2? 3?) and we were tired of pushing his extreme heaviness around in a crappy umbrella stroller that we had to bend down to push. (I love that you & Jaymz are a foot apart, by the way. Priceless.) I don't regret that, either. And he's finally graduated out of it, by the way, at 4. Ha ha. All in good time, right? Some people did look askance at us wheeling around our older(-looking) kid, but that's kind of along the same lines. If it's not harming anybody, you do what works for you and your kids, according to what you both need at the time.
First off congratulations for this post. I will read it again
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