Life Coping Devices

Welcome to the "I'm a Natural Parent - BUT..." Carnival

This post was written for inclusion in the carnival hosted by The Artful Mama and Natural Parents Network. During this carnival our participants have focused on the many different forms and shapes Natural Parenting can take in our community.

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To me, the essence of natural parenting is trusting and following my instincts, being mindful of biological norms, and making intentional, informed decisions about the way I choose to parent. 

I'm a natural parent, and my 20-month-old son has been using a pacifier since he was exactly two weeks old.

Sometimes one just isn't enough!

I'm a breastfeeding advocate who practiced child-led weaning. I believe strongly in normalizing breastfeeding, and particularly nursing in public. I continue to be surprised (and appalled) as I notice the widespread effects that our bottle-feeding culture has had on breastfeeding—even on things as basic as the language we use to refer to comfort suckling.

Before Daniel was born, I knew about the importance of solidly establishing breastfeeding (especially milk supply and proper latch) before introducing artificial nipples. I talked with my midwife about when we could introduce a pacifier, and she recommended no earlier than two weeks old. On the day Daniel turned two weeks old, I was feeling confident about our breastfeeding relationship (with respect to latch and also my abundant milk supply), and I was feeling very touched-out, so I sent Jaymz to the store for a pacifier. Daniel has been happily using one ever since. It was a particularly useful tool while riding in the car during those early months, when the only other options would have been to not travel by car, to pull over quite frequently, or for me to nurse him (unrestrained) in the back seat the whole time.

I didn't use the pacifier as a substitute for comfort nursing. Daniel rarely nursed to sleep, but when he wanted to (even in the last few months of nursing him), that's what we did. Daniel was usually quite down-to-business when it came to nursing; he didn't prefer to linger at the breast after finishing his meal. Was this because of our introducing the pacifier at two weeks? Perhaps it was, and I'm alright with that.

I sometimes find myself feeling embarrassed that Daniel uses a pacifier, especially as he gets older. In those moments I remind myself that we made a conscious decision to use this tool to help Daniel soothe himself.

I also have to remind myself that we are dealing with some special circumstances with respect to Daniel. Because of Daniel's sensory processing difficulties, sucking and chewing are very important (heavy work) activities which help provide him with calming proprioceptive input from his mouth and jaw. Having access to a pacifier at all times (as well as crunchy foods and rubbery things to chew on) allows him to have more control over his soothing and emotional regulation, which is something he has a lot of difficulty with. Using a pacifier helps him get through difficult situations while I support him in coping with those situations in other ways.

Several months ago, Jaymz and I started (jokingly) calling the pacifier Daniel's "life coping device," since sometimes it was the only thing that could help him through stressful situations. It really is quite an accurate description, though: if Daniel has his pacifier available, there's already a baseline level of comfort and self-soothing, and Jaymz and I are able to build on that with our other calming and regulating strategies.

I'm a natural parent, and I own and use a fancy stroller.

Out for a walk on a hard day.

In the Fall after Daniel was born, our family was going through some really rough times. Daniel had been crying a lot to say the least: upwards of five to seven hours per day (not including night time). Jaymz and I didn't know what to do to remedy the situation, and we felt fairly helpless. In early December, we took him to see an OT who helped us understand that Daniel's crying was due to sensory processing difficulties, and there was hope for helping him to feel better. While Daniel should have been (by that point, at seven months old) able to do more of the self-regulatory processes himself, he had not acquired those abilities like typically developing babies. He was stuck in the early infancy period of development in some ways, needing constant help from a caregiver (in the form of rocking, bouncing, swaddling, sucking, etc.) to stay calm and regulated.

As we continued to take Daniel to OT, I became more aware of the role that Jaymz and I played in soothing Daniel's nervous system: we were his primary regulators. If Jaymz and I weren't able to stay calm and feel regulated ourselves, we wouldn't be able to help prevent Daniel from becoming dysregulated. I realized how important it was for me to be able to recognize and remedy the early signs of fatigue in myself so that I would be able to continue to help Daniel.

One of the things I noticed during that time was how much Daniel's crying was affecting me, both emotionally and physically. I was wearing him almost all day every day, and having the constant loud sound of his screaming so close to my face (and up against my body) was really taking it's toll on me. I loved babywearing, but there were times when (for my own emotional regulation) I needed to be able to put Daniel down, to not have him always be on my body.

I reached out to some family members who graciously offered to help us buy a stroller. While we had hoped to get a more budget-friendly one, we had two specific requirements if we were going to add this tool to our parenting toolbox:

1. The stroller needed to be ergonomically comfortable for both Jaymz (at 6'5") and me (at 5'5") to use—not an easy thing to accommodate!
2. I wanted it to have a toward-facing seat (a seat which faces the caregiver) unlike most strollers on the market.

After much searching, we found the perfect stroller, and it was such an incredible gift that our family gave to us! I took Daniel out for walks in the stroller (being outdoors usually helps him to feel calmer) while giving my body and nervous system a rest from wearing him while he cried. Taking those walks with Daniel in the stroller really helped me get through some of the hardest of those early screaming times. It helped me to be able to take care of my own nervous system and regulatory needs, so that I could help Daniel regulate himself. The stroller was one of my life coping devices during those roughest months, and I'm extremely grateful that I had it to use.

I believe that having the toward-facing seat was extremely important for him to continue to feel safe and secure while riding in the stroller. I've read many articles (after buying our stroller) about how outward-facing strollers aren't ideal for babies' language development or stress levels. Wanting to maintain eye contact with Daniel (while I talked to him) on our walks was of utmost importance to me. I knew that for my kid, the studies would hold true: if Daniel couldn't see me, he would feel lost and scared, and the walks wouldn't be nearly as helpful for either of us.

I wanted to make sure that he knew he was safe even when he wasn't snuggled up close to my (or Jaymz's) body, so we kept the stroller inward facing for a long time, until we knew he had solidly established object permanence, and he'd had other fun (outward-facing) riding experiences, like on my bike.

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I consider myself an attachment parent (and a natural parent), and I don't believe that you have to follow a certain set of rules or make all the same decisions as other similarly-minded parents in order to "qualify" for those titles. For instance, parents who choose not to breastfeed can still make that decision consciously and with intention. I believe there are ways to bottle feed which more closely align with biological norms, provide bonding and attachment, and allow the child to have control over their intake.

I think that's really the key: when choosing to use outside tools (bottles, strollers, pacifiers, etc.), to make the intentional decision to use them as additions to—not as substitutions for—attachment-focused parenting practices. 

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This carnival was created by The Artful Mama and Natural Parents Network. We recognize that "natural parenting" means different things to different families, and we are dedicated to providing a safe place for all families, regardless of where they are in their parenting journeys.

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be live and updated by afternoon February 26 with all the carnival links.)

• My kid is a technophile — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction hasn't turned in her natural parenting card yet, even though her son prefers electronic toys.
• I'm a Natural Parent, but...I use medicine! — Adrienne at Mommying My Way admits that while she hesitates to do so, sometimes she does give her son some medicine when his symptoms get really bad.
• I'm Only Half Planning a Natural Birth — Shannon at The Artful Mama discloses how she is planning her semi-natural hospital birth and still dares to call herself a Natural Parent.
• Why we aren't rear facing — Shannon at Pineapples & Artichokes talks about her decision to turn her one-year-old daughter's carseat around, and how the argument always given for extended rear facing makes her feel.
• Musings of an Almost Crunchy Momma — Valerie at Momma in Progress re-examines her list of natural parenting litmus tests.
• Natural Parenting Does Not Equal Perfect Parenting — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama admits to several not-so-natural parenting and lifestyle practices.
• 10 Reasons to Revoke My Natural Parent Card — Laura at WaldenMommy: Life Behind the Red Front Door discusses why some of her less-than-crunchy practices are better for her family.
• I'm a Natural Parent - BUT... MacNCheese is Awesome. — Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy reveals her penchant for some far from healthy eating, cheap food recipes.
• Crunchy on the Inside — Wolfmother at Fabulous Mama Chronicles muses about how the stereotype of a natural parent does not do justice to the very dynamic group that this parenting philosophy attracts.
• My Reality — Megan from The Other Baby Book confesses a few things about her parenting.
• I'm Crunchy But... — Christy at Mommy Outnumbered shares confessions on all of her "non" crunchy ways.
• I'm A Natural Parent, But...it took me awhile — It took Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling awhile before fully understanding and appreciating Natural Parenting.
• I Am Not a Perfect Natural Parent — Momma Jorje shares her dirty little secrets as a mostly natural parent.
• Crunchy, But Not Crunchier Than Thou — Instead of comparing yourself to others, Dionna at Code Name: Mama encourages you to give yourself permission to be as crunchy as you can for right now.
• I’m a natural parent but…I love bedtimes — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle would never let her children cry-it-out, but she has a selection of other methods to encourage early bedtimes.
• I'm a Natural Parent - BUT... — Lani at Boobie Time Blog believes that following the principles of Natural Parenting doesn't mean you fit a stereotypical mold of societal view.
• Confessions of a Low Supply Mom — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children confesses her insecurities about being a low supply mom.
• I'm a natural parent, but. . . — Not eating her placenta is just one of the ways Ashley at Mama Raw falls short at being a natural parent.
• I'm a Natural Parent But...I have a Few Confessions — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment strives to be a Natural Mama, but wait, she has a few confessions!
• I'm a Natural Parent BUT — Carrie at LoveNotesMama confesses her gratitude for disposable diapers.
• Intestinal Dissection — Melissa from White Noise talks about how imperfection can be beautiful when it is buffered with love.
• How much sugar is too much? — Tat at Mum in Search shares how her no-sugar policy evolved into a balancing act, with the balance point not where she'd like to see it.
• I'm a Natural Parent, but. . . — Amyables at Toddler In Tow talks about three of her parenting habits that are not super "natural."
• Minus Ten Crunchy Points — Joella at Fine and Fair discusses how some of her parenting choices seen as "too crunchy" by those she knows in real life could get her kicked out of the crunchy mom clubs online.
• The Natural Parent "Model" — Kym at Our Crazy Corner of the World talks about her love for not-so-natural cosmetics and beauty products.
• Nice to meet you. — Eileen at Love & Greens talks about how being a natural mama means something different to her every day.
• I’m a natural parent…BUT… — Ashley at Daisy Pedals touches on several natural parenting topics; from cloth diapers to cleaning with natural cleaners.
• I'm a natural parent, but you'd be surprised — Lauren at Hobo Mama confesses to liking diet soda and TV and having lost all her reusable shopping bags.
• I’m a Natural Parent, but…. I don’t shop local — Luschka at Diary of a First Child confesses one of her greatest 'natural' failures - she doesn't shop local and support her community, despite wishing she could.
• Who You Callin' Natural? (a Carnival of Natural Parenting Contribution) — A bit of premise exposition, some tongue-in-cheek filler, and a photographic list of all the ways Embrita Blogging cheats at being natural.
• Dirty Secrets of a Green & Natural Mama (and Why I'm Not Afraid to Share Them!) — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares her definition of what it means to be a perfect mama as well as a few of her dirty little secrets.
• Green Mommy Guilt — Jen at Jen and Joey Green talks about how being a perfect Green Mom is overrated.
• Life Coping Devices — Amy at Anktangle discusses two ("non-AP") coping strategies her family has used for getting through difficult times with her son: the pacifier and the stroller.
• We use disposable diapers. There. I said it. — The mama at Our Muddy Boots shares a bed, nurses her 4 year old, is vegetarian, and is committed to homeschooling; but Pampers adorn her child's bottom. Ugh!
• Committed to Cloth, but... — Sheila at A Living Family affirms her love of cloth diapering, despite the draw of disposables.
• Natural Parenting as a Doorway to Deep Truths — Amy from Peace for Parents guest posts at Natural Parents Network and shares how for her "natural parenting" is much less about a definition and much more an avenue to explore truths of life.
• Chicken No-nos — Jessica at Pace Family Place strives to live naturally but feeds her oldest son some not-so natural things