A Private Matter

Welcome to the November Carnival of Natural Parenting: What is natural parenting?

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our Carnival coincides with the launch of Natural Parents Network, a community of parents and parents-to-be who practice or are interested in attachment parenting and natural family living. Join us at Natural Parents Network to be informed, empowered, and inspired!

Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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I've been so reluctant to write about this since my son's birth, but I feel like it's time. I keep asking myself why I'm feeling apprehensive about it, because I'm generally very good at expressing my opinion.

I think I've figured out the reason for my hesitation: I don't want to write about it because it's private. It's not about me, so I feel like maybe I shouldn't discuss it. But it was (half) my decision, and about half of all new parents have to make this decision, so it's worth discussing.

What am I talking about? Circumcision.

Before very recently, I wouldn't have called myself an "intactivist," but I think perhaps it fits me better than I'd like to admit. For now, maybe I'll call myself a "hesitant intactivist" instead. Here's a little about how I've come to feel the way I do today about circumcision:

Part One: Class
I'm a Registered Nurse. Four years at a liberal arts college and one ridiculously hard licensing exam and I can call myself that. Prior to entering nursing school and beginning my clinical rotations (or getting my job as a nurse's aide), I hadn't seen many naked people, certainly not males. Of course, I understood the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised (intact) penises from my textbooks. I didn't really have an opinion on the subject; in fact, I hadn't given it much thought at all.

One day in a reproductive anatomy and physiology lecture, my professor (who was a medical doctor and also a Catholic priest) started talking about circumcision. I remember feeling awkward as he stood in front of a room full of young women and scoffed about how, "There are women out there who are trying to save the foreskins! Like that's a worthy cause." As I think back on it now, I wish I could look around the room and read the other women's faces around me. There we were, future child-bearers, listening to this wise educator tell us how positively ridiculous it is to leave a baby boy intact.

I remember a couple of other professors bringing the topic up in a different context: providing hygiene to uncircumcised elderly men. The over-arching lesson there was that we should all circumcise our babies so that the nurses who take care of them when they're old men won't have to pull back the foreskin during a bed bath. The fear of finding someone who was unclean was the motivating factor. I realize now that this is a symptom of the gross lack of respect for our elders in this country. We fail to provide many of them (dare I say most?) with the kind of consistent, affordable, loving care that they need to keep their daily needs met.

Part Two: Clinical Rotation
Later that year, I was in my "Mother/Baby" clinical (labor and delivery, postpartum, lactation consulting, postpartum home health). I had always been fascinated with birth, and I have seriously considered continuing my schooling to become a Nurse-Midwife. I remember seeing birth for the first time in person. I was literally holding on to another nursing student as we watched this beautiful baby boy come into the world. I still remember his name. To this day, I feel overwhelmed thinking about how his mother gave us such a huge gift by allowing us to be there to witness that moment.

The next week, I was in the post-partum unit working with a different nursing student, and our clinical instructor told us we'd be watching a circumcision. We helped the nurse bring four precious, tiny baby boys back to the "Circ Room" in the nursery. This room was a small enclosure with windows on all sides within the larger nursery (which was now mostly used for storage since rooming-in had become the norm). The nurse strapped each of the four babies down to individual plastic boards, securing their arms and legs with velcro straps. A couple of them were already crying. The other student nurse and I watched from the nursery, outside the little room. I understood the procedure from a textbook perspective, but still, I didn't know what to expect.

The doctor swept into the tiny room in a hurry, and got right to business. He worked his way in a circle, quickly injecting each boy's penis with Lidocaine: one, two, three, four. All of the babies were screaming by that point. Then, he started over at the beginning—hardly giving the anesthetic any time to take effect—and began to cut. I was horrified. Then, what happened next was what really made the experience stick in my head forever: He finished with the last baby, propped up the board the little one was strapped to so we could see more clearly, and gestured to his bleeding penis. He looked at us, two young women and said, "Now that looks more familiar to ya, doesn't it?" and he winked. What a pig! My mouth fell open and I blushed, not knowing what to do. He laughed and left the room so the nurse could clean up his mess. I could never make eye-contact with him again after that day.

I went back to my dorm that afternoon having decided that if I ever had the opportunity to see a circumcision again, I would refuse. Furthermore, I decided that if I ever found myself in a capacity to be performing the surgery, I would refuse to do it for personal, ethical reasons. It just seemed so wrong. In that moment, I didn't think much about what would happen if I someday gave birth to a baby boy. I'm sure somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that if it felt wrong to do that to someone else's baby, I certainly would not allow someone to do it to mine.

Part Three: My Turn
When I got pregnant, my husband and I had a brief discussion that went something like this: I said, "If we have a boy, we're not going to circumcise him." Then Jaymz said, "Yeah, I know, why would we do that? It's wrong to cut on babies for no reason." End of discussion.

Many months later, our baby was born, and—surprise—he was a boy! He was incredibly beautiful and perfectly made just exactly the way he grew inside me.

We had chosen to have a home birth with midwives so that I could have autonomy, so that I could feel safe and comfortable and never have to fight for the kind of birth we wanted to have. I know what happens in the hospital. I didn't want anyone cutting into my reproductive organs without very good reason. In the same way, I wasn't going to let anyone cut on my amazing little child. It ended up being a non-issue, a non-decision. We did nothing, but sometimes doing nothing can be very important.

Our baby boys deserve genital integrity just as much as our baby girls do. And I've decided, I don't care who makes fun of me or thinks my cause is ridiculous: it's definitely worth fighting for.

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Stop by Natural Parents Network today to see excerpts from everyone's posts, and please visit a few to read more! Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants. Three of the participants below will instead be featured on Natural Parents Network throughout the month, so check back at NPN!

This list will be updated by afternoon November 9 with all the carnival links. We've arranged it this month according to the categories of our NPN resource pages on "What Is Natural Parenting?"

Attachment/Responsive Parenting

Attachment/responsive parenting is generally considered to include the following (descriptions/lists are not exhaustive; please follow each link to learn more):

1. PREPARE FOR PREGNANCY, BIRTH, AND PARENTING:
   • "Preparing for Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting" — Sheryl at Little Snowflakes knows better now how to prepare for her second baby, focusing on attachment rather than nursery curtains. Watch for her post, which will be featured on Natural Parents Network on Tuesday, November 23. (@sheryljesin)
   • "Begin at the Beginning" — Alison at BluebirdMama examines the first type of natural parenting she experienced: birthing at home. (@BluebirdMama)
2. FEED WITH LOVE AND RESPECT:
   • "Going With the {Tandem Milk} Flow" — Despite being told she would never be able to nurse her toddler through pregnancy, Jessika at Job Description: Mommy successfully nursed through her entire pregnancy, and she continues tandem nursing her two little ones fifteen months later! (@JobDescMommy)
   • "Breastfeeding with Love and Respect" — Resisting the pressure to give up, breastfeeding was the way Dionna at NursingFreedom.org persisted in nourishing her son. (@NursingFreedom)
   • "Why Should I Call It Extended?" — Amy at Toddler In Tow provides scientifically based research to support child-led weaning.
3. RESPOND WITH SENSITIVITY:
   • "Attachment Parenting Chose Us" — For a child who is born "sensitive," attachment parenting is more a way of life than a parenting "choice." Dionna at Code Name: Mama shares her experiences. (@CodeNameMama)
   • "Parenting in the Present" — Acacia at Be Present Mama parents naturally by being fully present.
   • "Parenting With Heart" — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment parents naturally because healthy attachments early in life help our little ones grow into healthy, functioning adults.
4. USE NURTURING TOUCH:
   • "Nurturing through touch" — Lauren at Hobo Mama finds that loving touch is a thread that runs through all her natural parenting practices. (@Hobo_Mama)
5. ENSURE SAFE SLEEP:
   • "Sometimes I Wish We Coslept" — Sheila at A Gift Universe has started to add cosleeping into her sleep routines and has found frequently unspoken benefits. Watch for her post, which will be featured on Natural Parents Network on Tuesday, November 30. (@agiftuniverse)
6. PROVIDE CONSISTENT AND LOVING CARE:
   • "Attachment Parenting . . . and Nanny Makes Three?" — When Jen at Grow with Graces first started interviewing nannies, she was looking for practicalities. After a few months with her first nanny, she's going to hire someone new, and this time, she'll make sure the nanny believes in AP principles. (@growwithgraces)
   • "Do You Have This?" — For Rachael at The Variegated Life, natural parenting is about love and giving, rather than the alienation and longing present in so many in our Western culture. (@RachaelNevins)
   • "What Natural Parenting Looks Like in Our Family" — Sybil at Musings of a Milk Maker shares what natural parenting is like as your little ones grow up.
7. PRACTICE GENTLE/POSITIVE DISCIPLINE:
   • "Unconditional Parenting" — The philosophy of Alfie Kohn resonates with Erin at Multiple Musings, who does not want to parent (or teach) using rewards and punishment. (@ErinLittle)
8. STRIVE FOR BALANCE IN PERSONAL AND FAMILY LIFE:
   • "Reducing Screen Time" — How does Mrs. H. at Fleeting Moments meaningfully connect with her kids every day? She turns off the TV.
   • Also see our October Carnival all about finding balance!

Ecological Responsibility and Love of Nature

• "Healing Through Elimination Communication Part 1" — Amy at Innate Parenting explains how practicing elimination communication has helped her whole family gain awareness and healing in many areas of their lives. (@InnateWholeness)
• "Growing Out of Little Potties" — Stacy at Mama-Om is proud to be the "weird lady" who practices elimination communication with her babies. (@mama_om)
• "Let's Talk Diapers" — Lindsey at Mama Cum Laude started using cloth diapers because she felt they were a safer choice for her child; she stuck with them because they are convenient.

Holistic Health Practices

• "Supporting Natural Immunity" — If you have decided against the traditional vaccination schedule, Starr at Earth Mama has some helpful tips for strengthening your children's immune systems naturally.

Natural Learning

• "Acceptance as a Key to Natural Parenting" — Because Mrs. Green at Little Green Blog values accepting and responding to her daughter's needs, she was able to unravel the mystery of her daughter's learning "challenges." (@myzerowaste)
• "Let Them Look" — Betsy at Honest 2 Betsy makes time to look at, to touch, and to drool on the pinecones.
• "Why I Love Unschooling" — Unschooling isn't just about learning for Darcel at The Mahogany Way — it is a way of life. (@MahoganyWayMama)
• "Is He Already Behind?"Ever worry that your baby or toddler is behind the curve? Danielle at born.in.japan will reassure you about the many ways your little one is learning — naturally — every day. Watch for her post, which will be featured on Natural Parents Network on Tuesday, November 16. (@borninjp)
• "How to Help Your Child through Natural Learning" — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now offers tips on how to understand and nurture your child's natural learning style. (@DebChitwood)

Healthy Living

• "What 'Healthy Eating' Means to Me" — Wonder how a family of five makes healthy eating a priority? Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings shares some common sense tips. (@sunfrog)
• "What is Natural Parenting? Embracing Real Food" — Melodie at Breastfeeding Moms Unite! has always wanted to give her children the most nutritious foods possible: first through breastfeeding, and later through healthy, whole foods. (@bfmom)

Parenting Philosophies

• "Natural Parenting — Lazy Parenting" — To Olivia at Write About Birth, natural parenting isn't about a fixed set of ideals, but about what is instinctual. (@writeaboutbirth)
• "I'm not the most crunchy, but I'm still au naturel" — Jessica at This is Worthwhile follows her gut and parents with respect, and that's what feels natural to her. (@tisworthwhile)
• "Because Natural comes Naturally" — Breastfeeding, babywearing, cosleeping — Bess at mommakesmilk does these things because they feel right. (@MumtoEve)
• "What Do You Mean 'Natural Parenting'?" — Luschka at Diary of a First Child fell into natural parenting by listening to her baby and her own instincts. (@lvano)
• "One Little Change at a Time" — Ashley at Domestic Chaos made one small change at a time until "natural parenting" wasn't a punchline, but a way of life. (@ashleympoland)
• "WHY Attachment Parenting?" — While they might take some work to put into practice, Momma Jorje at A Slightly Crunchy Momma finds that all of the tenets of attachment parenting fit her family.
• "Yours, Respectfully" — For Kellie at Our Mindful Life, natural parenting is about being respectful: to yourself, your children, and your surroundings.
• "The Natural Parenting Label" — Michelle at The Parent Vortex explains that natural parenting is a mindset, not a set of specific choices or a few fancy acronyms. (@TheParentVortex)
• "When Our Children Are Grown" — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children parents naturally, because she is building a firm foundation for her children.
• "What is Natural Parenting to a Witch Mom?" — Lily at Witch Mom has planned out what she wants for her son, from health to socialization to interactions with the natural world. (@lilyshahar)
• "Attachment Parenting and Our Family" — Semi-crunchy Mama at Adventures in Mommyhood takes us through the way the Baby Bs have transformed their family of four. (@crunchymamato2)
• "I'm a Mama...Naturally" — Andrea!!! at Ella-Bean & Co. didn't intend to parent naturally, but it happened by instinct.

Political and Social Activism

• "A Private Matter" — Amy at Anktangle, who is a Registered Nurse, describes her encounters with circumcision in a medical environment and why they guided her decision to leave her own baby boy intact. (@anktangle)
• "Natural Parenting, Following Our Instincts, and Keeping Our Son Intact" — Kelly at KellyNaturally went against the tide and refused to circumcise her son. (@kellynaturally)
• "Relying on Kindness" — Sure, Navelgazing Bajan at Navelgazing wants her son to be kind — but kindness is not enough. (@BlkWmnDoBF)