Saturday, March 15, 2008

the truth sucks sometimes

i had one of those dreams the other night where i wasn't sure if it happened or not, and it's actually taken me a few days to realize that it really was *just* a dream. however, it has had such a profound effect on me that i don't feel it was just a dream.

i was at work and jared asked me if i liked working in surgery or oncology more, and i told him that i didn't really know because there are definite pros and cons to each unit. then i went on to say that i don't like either one, really, because when i get home in the morning, i don't feel good about myself.

i don't feel good about myself.

i said this to a co-worker/acquaintance like it was factual information--something completely devoid of emotion or personal connection to it. i said it like this is something everyone feels on a daily basis and it's just, eh, a normal part of having a job--going home at the end of the shift and feeling bad about oneself.

but that is so wrong.

i cried when i discovered i had dreamed of telling someone something that i wasn't even aware i felt in real life.

i can't do this anymore.

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